I've been asked about this by parents of a four-year-old. I am not aware of this happening at the four-year-old level. I think building an individual's self-esteem is the foundation for anti-bullying. Part of that foundation is teaching children that they have the Right and Responsibility to Say What's Wtong and Make It Right when they are upset. If the child has a complaint about an interaction with another child, role-working about the specific incident may be helpful.

Complaint about: "Johnny said he didn't want to be my friend."

This is where Say What's Wrong and Make It Right is so helpful. This is the opportunity for the adult to bring the two together (ALWAYS one-to-one, NEVER two-to-one) guiding them thru the five steps:

Both get to say to each other AND listen to each other (WHILE MAKING EYE CONTACT)

1. "I am upset about..."

2. "I want you to stop."

3. Talk about how each one of you is feeling.

4. Come up with a solution that is satisfying to both of you.

5. Put the plan into action.

Consistently using this simple,process is such an effective way to develop these lifelong essential communication/ problem-solving skills. 

Say What's Wrong and Make It Right by Karen Taylor-Bleiker

I was in my late thirties before I started to understand and believe the concept: "Feelings are not right or wrong, bad or good.  Feelings just are."

What an awakening this was for me.  It was the beginning of a great adventure.  The journey burst wide open when I returned to teaching kindergarten.  With my partner, Diana Carr, and our five-year olds, we created a communication program that freed and encouraged children to:

• Recognize and say their feelings
• Listen to each other
• Make eye contact
• Work together for win-win solutions to problems

Within three years, with support from the principals, teachers, aides, and parents, the majority of the students in our elementary school were resolving conflicts based on these principles.  Soon the program's success was seen in schools throughout our community.

Nearly forty years later, these grown up elementary students and their parents are still using Say What's Wrong and Make It Right to improve relationships and create peace in their world.

I was thrilled to read the article, "Talking about race in ballet class" by Jessica F. Hinton, January 25, 2016, in The Washington Post.  Her beautifully written article is about helping her three and five year old black daughters understand and deal with racism.  Her wise insights and description of the actions she took to develop her girls' understanding and freedom to voice upsets are helpful to parents of any race on many issues.  She suggests continued conversations about..."feelings in discussing books, social interactions, TV shows, and almost everything else."

The essence of the article is that young children have difficulties expressing uncomfortable emotions.  It is up to parents and teacher to..."create spaces for children to feel and talk out loud about their feelings and to really listen to what they have to say."

As I read her article, I was silently acknowledging how important this advice is for building and reinforcing a child's ability to Say What's Wrong and Make It Right. When guiding the children through the Five-Step Process, they are reminded to speak their unhappiness about the problem and listen to what the other person is feeling.  Listening and acknowledging emotions is the heart of the program and leads to a win-win solution.

If you are looking for a Hanukkah or Christmas present that is a fun way to increse family communication and build closeness, the Ungame is the answer.  It will do that and so much more.  Through playing this game family members will:

• Improve listening skills.
• Feel safe to express feelings, needs, and ideas.
• Gain understanding of self and others.

You're Not the Boss of Me by Betsy Brown Braun (2010) Harper Collins Publishers is another delightful yet practical guide book for developing independence and responsibility in children.  It is filled with tips such as lists of age appropriate responsibilities for two-and-a-half-year-olds through eight-year-olds.  She gives and abundance of adult scripts for many of her tips.  For instance, I love her response to a child that complains about being bored.  " That's great.  I know you are going toi figure out something really interesting to do."

Braun declares, "There is no such thing as being bored at home.  Children who are bored are trying to engage you."  

My teaching partner, Diana Carr's response to a child's declaration of boredom was, "If you are bored, your brain is taking a nap.  Time to wake it up and start thinking, even if it's to start daydreaming."

I know every parent and/or educator has some stories about building independence and responsibility in children.  I would love for you to add your insights about this important subject. 

Just reread Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen (2000) Three Rivers Press.  Chapter 4 "Developing Strong Perceptions of Personal Capabilities" is filled with detailed examples of ways to build a child's sense of being capable as well as the words we use that can discourage or inspire independence.  It was a good reminder for me to focus positively on the parts of a responsibility that the child accomplishes and to leave out the "but".  "I love it when you remember to put your dishes in the dishwasher." is much more encouraging than adding, "But you forgot to put your bowl in the right place."

Children as young as eighteen months show their desire to be independent with the common statement, "Me do it."  I recall a two year old loving to help his mom dust and clean up messes.  At first his enthusiasm was more entertaining than helpful.  However, because of her consistent praise and positive guidance, he became more competent and continued enjoying learning new ways to contribute to the family.

Children benefit by being responsible for their homework, contributing to household chores, helping in the kitchen, being included in care of neighbors, and participating in community service.  Giving them a voice in family meetings and developing their ability to "Say What's Wrong and Make It Right" nurtures their potential for thriving as an adult.  Allowing children to have input and choices means life may be less predictable and contain fewer conflicts.  You might be outvoted in choosing a picnic over the beach.  And that could turn out to be a positive adventure in the long run.

Julie Lythcott-Haims, former Stanford University Dean of Students, in her book "How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success" (2015) Holt, Henry and Company, Inc., discusses her experiences with incoming freshmen over a ten year period in The Washington Post  (www.washingtonpost.com).  Each year the students who entered were less capable of taking responsibility than the students from the previous year.  Theses students were in thius plight because of well-meaning parents hovering and sheilding them from disappointments, challenges, and struggles.  Protection rather than building independence was their goal.

Lythcott-Haims was motivated to write this book for parents because of the following:

1. In her experiences as Dean of Freshmen, she saw students incapable of self-care and independent living.
2. Her research showed the rising statistics of depression, other mental/emotional health problems, and even suicide in college students.  

I would love for you to check out my Q&A section this week.  A friend jokingly asked me a question about Say What's Wrong and Make It Right that inspired me to tell a fun story about how the process works for any age.  Enjoy!!

If you are a parent, grand-parent, educator, child, care-giver or writer, the 12th annual Children Book Festival is bound to have something of interest for you. Whether you have a family that enjoys reading, or want to encourage a love of reading in others, this is a great weekend destination. I definitely plan on checking it out! 

Time: 9:30 - 4:30

Location: Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa

There is something for everyone in the family. The little ones, pre-teens, teenagers and young adults. You can connect with authores, illustrators and story-tellers. There are other interactive attractions including an animal petting zoo, puppets and players. Food and dring are available.

For much greater detail go to kidsbookfestival.com including a map of authors and event schedules.